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 I am worried. A client is requesting me to close her files. I know that this is not a good sign. I mean, yeah, it is not my fault. As in, a client has a right to transfer files, to instruct for her files to be closed. Sure, I think I can explain that to that particular partner of my firm. But ... knowing him, I am quite nervous. I mean, prima facie, there must be something wrong to cause a client to instruct us to close almost all her files. I'm worried. God, I'm leaving the firm in one month's time. Why can't I be problem free, worry free. I don't want to leave with a bad name. But it seems that a bad reputation is escalating under my name quite rapidly in my last days with the firm. *despair* I know I complain about work a lot, but still ... I'd like to leave with a clean conscience. Help me stop this cumulative effect. How do I stop it? Once the ball starts rolling, there's nothing I can do. And the ball has started rolling... I am doomed.

 Well ... I'm having a mid-life crisis, although I'm no where near that age. But ... I'm unhappy with my career. I want a change of career. But I don't know what. I'm a lawyer. Practising in a big firm. I know it seems like I'm doing good. But I am not happy. I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. I don't care about my clients anymore. I'm fed up of trying please them. Mind you, they are not the only ones that need to be pleased. My boss, the judge, everyone wants a piece of me. And they are not being very nice about it. I wish to leave this place. I wish to go out there and experience life. I don't want to be a professional. I don't want to walk with my nose up in the air, just because I am supposed to, as a lawyer. I am just a girl next door, like everyone else. I don't see what separates me apart. My boss thinks I don't take pride in what I do. I'm not professional enough. I'm too timid. Whatever... I want to travel. I want to write. I want to live. I don't want to be tied to an office. Help... What should I do? Who should I be? I don't need fame or name. I just want to live in my own little world. I'm kind of toying with an idea of opening a book cafe. It sounds quite good, actually. But I can't afford it. Everything I dream of doing requires me to be independantly wealthy, which I am not. *cries in despair*

I don't know if I'm having a PMS but damn, I'm so irritated. I know all these while I have been the nice person, helping people out even when they don't do the same for me, yeah some colleagues. I just do it on the basis that they are my colleagues, so we help each other out. No, I don't force them to help me. I just ask if they can help me and they will turn me down. It's ok. It's not your duty to help me out. I understand. I know my place. But nowadays, they don't seem to know their place. I help out. But don't ever take me for granted. Don't ever make fun of me, insult me just because I don't react violently. I can take all this stupid making fun of me and insulting me time, but there is a line. You can only stretch it that far. Once you cross the boundary, I'm sorry. You have forfeited your privilege of bullying me. Too bad. I won't go the extra mile to be nice to you. You can just go fly kite. I'm not a very forgiving person. Once you get to my wrong side, watch it. I don't create a scene. I don't shout or yell at you. I'm just indifferent. I no longer care about you. You can go disappear and see if I'm worried or not. Just try it.

I don't know. A friend called this morning. But fortunately, or not, I was busy and missed the call. Well, we've had quite a history together, going back about 5 years or so. But she hurt me in a conversation about ... 3 weeks ago? I mean, I was telling her about what happened in my life that day which was so totally screwed. I was having a real bad day. I was even crying silently. Tears just kept falling. I understand that I made a mistake. I was wrong and she criticized me, saying that I was incompetent, not independent, a liability to my boss and such. I accept such criticism. I mean, okay, I was being a bit incompetent. I was at fault. But then I asked her that she would have done the same thing in my place. I specifically remember an occassion where she had done exactly the same thing. When I told her so, she denied empathically. Now, that pissed me off big time. I mean, how could you say that! You're now double talking me. For that reason only, I just cut off the conversation and walked away. I was soo angry. You can criticize me but you can't double talk. I hate that kind of people. I have not messaged her nor pick up her calls. I just don't feel like talking to her. Not yet. I'm not angry, I don't even think about it anymore. I just don't feel like talking to her. Indifferent!